This phrase right here...
is getting me into trouble.

You Only Live Once. YOLO.

It is a great phrase to live by i think, but i also think, "yeah, you only live once and you don't want to live that life full of regret and guilt."

I keep doing things i normally wouldn't do because YOLO pops into my head and i say, "awww yeah! lets do it!"

Pros and cons people, pros and cons.

Pros- I played in an intense softball game and slide into third base, bloody knees.
       - Went to a BBQ party by myself knowing hardly anyone at all
       - bought a very cool tank-top
       - watched a flippin' scary movie
       - aced my math test
       - went on a date
       - took a bath with my dog
       - and shaved the side of my head

Cons- well obviously i am going to keep the cons to myself because i'm not sure who all reads this blog and blogging about my mistakes in the past few months would just be embarrassing. but believe, there are some cons to the motto of YOLO.

we do only live once. well, most people believe that- not Buddhists (reincarnation). That is why i don't kill spiders or anything of the sort- it could be my ancestors or other close relatives reincarnated, getting a second chance at life, creeping and crawling with those 8 skinny legs. we don't know. nobody knows, so i don't kill them.

You Only Live Once. so lets say we DO believe this. then what? eat drink and be marry for tomorrow we die? no because tomorrow you die hung over, feeling sick and nauseated dressed in someone else's clothes covered in your own vomit... AND then you die. to me, not a life worth living. YOLO AND no regrets. that is what needs to be underneath this phrase that my cool little sister so kindly taught me that had ruined my life. no it hasn't ruined it, it has enhanced it in many ways. but beware of the double edge sword. be brave, dare to try new things, put yourself out there, take a chance, risk, be vulnerable and real- but be able to walk the next day, have your friends still be your friends, your family proud... bewildered maybe, but proud. or confused. either one. and your grades still adequate in school.

well i'm off to another adventure in the great city of Salt Lake... my goal? to meet 5 new people.
YOLO.

through music

sometimes, I don't really know what to say. Sometimes, music says it better.

This week has been really rough, and i didn't know what to blog about. But all throughout the week i have been turning to my outlet in life, music, and certain lines would stick out to me and would put words on the feeling in my chest that I couldn't find the words myself to label. So this post is about.. well you'll figure it out soon enough by reading the one-liners from a collection of different songs that come together to tell my story of love that turned to heartbreak.

Step one you say we need to talk

you say sit down, it's just a talk...

we'll do it all 

everything

on our own.

if i lay here, would you lie with me

and just forget the world?

you have suffered enough at war with yourself

it's time that you won.

oh but look at you, i'd be crazy not too...

and are we there yet? 

home?

never mind i'll find someone like you

but for me, it wasn't over.

love is not a victory march,

it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.

The broken clock is a comfort,

it helps me sleep at night. 

sometimes it lasts in love

but sometimes it hurts instead.

first taste of love, 

oh bittersweet.

i wish nothing but the best for you too.

i think i'll go to Boston

I think i'll start over. 

where did i go wrong? 

I lost a friend.

you don't wear my chains

regrets collect like old friends,

and all of the ghouls come out to play.

Shake it out,

it's hard to dance with the devil on your back

so shake him off. 

and i'm done with my graceless heart

so tonight i am going to cut it out and then restart.

it's always darkest before the dawn

and although it's hard,

i'll keep my head up

and let my hair down.

i'll turn out fine. 

got a good old friend here with me tonight 

and i guess i'm doing alright. 

the sun will always come again. 

and if you ask me how i'm doing,

i would say i'm doing just fine

i would lie and say that you're not on my mind.

i miss you...

and what doesn't kill me makes me stronger

stand a little taller.

what doesn't kill me makes a fighter

footsteps even lighter.

all i can do is keep breathing

all we can do is keep breathing. 

you have changed me for the better

and now you're just somebody that i used to know...

and that feels so rough. 

I just haven't met you yet.

thrift store thief

i would like to tag @Christopher Ricks and @Rachel Ricks in this post because I was not alone on this adventure crime.

Once upon a time, Rach, Chris and I went to Saver's to go get something. I can't remember what now, but it was obviously an important article of clothing we needed. well when we were leaving, i look up in the sky to see one of these giant balloons floating in the sky (like the picture above). it was attached Saver's to attract people's attention. Now it is not my fault that the balloon was looking a little less than in it's best shape and was not flying as high in the sky as it was in its younger years. the rope attached to the balloon that was covered in flags was drooping and if i jumped i could just about grab it... or completely grab it... and that is what I did.

While no one was looking i pulled the massive balloon down from the sky by its flagged rope and squealed like a child with delight as i saw that it was about 5x as big as me. Who wouldn't love that? it was a dream come true! (besides for one of my bestie's who is actually terrified of balloons. She would have hated it.)

The balloon brought me so much joy that i looked over at Rach and Chris who are just staring at me and i say, "I want to keep it."

I am ashamed to say now that i am a criminal.

I stole the balloon from Saver's. who does that?

I had them help me stuff it into the back of our SUV (it took up the whole volume of the trunk and most of the back seat) and we totally stole the advertising massive balloon... from a thrift store. Chris and Rach, if you are sitting in the car while your friend robs the bank, you go to jail as well. just saying.

We never got caught, but it wasn't as fun to play with once i got home because it was splattered with guilt and dishonesty. I actually had every intention of taking it back after only a few hours with it at home... but then somehow it popped. of course.

don't judge me. okay you can judge me. and to be fair it was a long time ago... 2 years.

I take my dog on runs

My puppy needs his exercise and so do I...
not. i haven't been to the gym now in oh... 3 years :)
I don't run, but HE runs. I get on my scooter and he runs behind me at a steady 15mph. I sit perfectly content as he chases me as the wind blows through my hair and i get my small adventure for the day. He LOVES it and so do I. win-win situation. he gets lots of running in and i get to do nothing but enjoy the warm air and hot sun. mmmm.... I love being lazy.

speaking of running, i feel like there are different types of runners as you drive down the road. you see them there, jogging on the side walk and they are all different breeds.

there is the runner who looks like they walked out of a magazine, Men's Journal. They've got rhythm, a steady pace, the bod, and of course a great outfit.

then there is the runner who all you can do is look at them and say, "good for you for getting out and going running. good for you."

there is the runner who is just awkward. you have to kind of watch them as you sit at the red light and try and guess what song in heaven they are listening to because that is no beat or rhythm of any kind.

then there is the runner who never stops. they are at the cross walk and still bouncing up and down in place... gotta keep that heart rate up.

last there is the runner who just looks like they are in excruciating pain. their eyebrows are furrowed together and their mouth is in an open frown and those beads of water running down their cheeks are not sweat, they are tears. just stop running my dear and do something that doesn't look like you are being forced by a slave driver.

Love those runners. Good for you all those we run! i applaud you from the sidelines. or i'll follow behind you on my scooter. win-win.

UPdate

School has officially begun and I, my friends, am taking a math class for the first time since i was 15 years old... that's like 25 years people. okay, it is 7 years but still, it feels like a very long time. I really like my teacher is the good news. she is very funny and makes math a lot of fun. i decided to go into the class thinking to myself, "oh man this is going to be a great class! i'm awesome at math!" instead of what my brain wanted to tell me: "i suck at math this is going to be hard."
all about attitude. so i am doing well so far.

ugh, i can't believe i just pulled the "it's all about attitude" card... i hate when people do that. i just want to be like, "no! okay sometimes it is just fine to have a crappy attitude for a little bit. or a lot a bit. what ever you want. it's your life. and you get to feel however you are feeling. And if you are hating how you are feeling, than make a change to alter it. whatever you feel is valid."

I am already such a therapist. I'm going to drive my kids nuts one day... "and how do you feel about that?"

I'm still working at the Elementary school but i got moved to work with the Kindergardeners. it is a BLAST. (i'm laughing out loud right now) because they say the funniest things! THEY actually DO like my hair which is funny, because the 1st graders sure didn't. Just a warning to all you parents out there... be careful what you do and say in the safety of your own home because your kindergardener WILL tell their tutor about it. ;)

I babysit quite often for a family and i love it as well. i have gotten to the point where changing a poopy diaper doesn't make me gag! which for those of you who know me, know that that is a HUGE accomplishment.

Today i taught the kids the beginning stages of loving-kindness meditation. It's the best meditation I have ever learned. It is scientifically proven to change the chemistry in your brain towards self-love when practiced frequently. these are the phrases you repeat while in a calm, relaxed, meditative state:

May I be safe
May I be healthy
May I be happy
May i be at ease

try saying those to yourself very gently and kindly and see what you feel inside. it's pretty awesome. so now my little kids i babysit are learning how to love themselves too! :)

I am available for hire people, i am available for hire.

A little more about Loving-Kindness Meditation:

"it is a fact of life that many people are troubled by difficult emotional states in the pressured societies we live in, but do little in terms of developing skills to deal with them. Yet even when the mind goes sour it is within most people's capacity to arouse positive feelings to sweeten it. Loving-kindness is a meditation practice taught by the Buddha to develop the mental habit of selfless or altruistic love. In the Dhammapada can be found the saying: "Hatred cannot coexist with loving-kindness, and dissipates if supplanted with thoughts based on loving-kindness."

Loving-kindness is a meditation practice, which brings about positive attitudinal changes as it systematically develops the quality of 'loving-acceptance'. It acts, as it were, as a form of self-psychotherapy, a way of healing the troubled mind to free it from its pain and confusion. Of all Buddhist meditations, loving-kindness has the immediate benefit of sweetening and changing old habituated negative patterns of mind."

http://www.buddhanet.net/metta_in.htm

Who wouldn't want to feel this kind of altruistic love toward themselves? I think we have enough self-hatred, self-critical, not feeling good enough, down on themselves people in the world. why not try something new?

Boston Massachusetts Ricks

Meet Boston.
He is my little 5 month old puppy- a yorkie-poo.
sometimes he thinks he is a cat and walks along the back of the couch and sleeps like this.
Boston Massachusetts Ricks is his full name- we only use it when he is in trouble.
which is quite frequently.
He is teething so he chews on pretttttyyy much everything! our apartment has to stay super clean or else he will chew on whatever he can find on the ground. and by clean i mean the FLOOR is clean and everything that would be on the floor is on the kitchen table.

Last night Boston was chewing on an empty water bottle we gave him and loving life until...
ZZZZZZAP!!!
some how my computer charger cord got tangled up with the bottle and Boston punctured the cord with his teeth. the cord was plugged in and needless to say, he got shocked. I heard the ZAP and the YELP and hurry and looked down and saw that there was blue sparks flying from my cord continuously and 'Person I love' yelling, "Oh my gosh!!! ahhhh!!! unplug it unplug it!"

Boston didn't obey commands at all for about the next 3 hours. i think it fried his brain. that or he was really scared. who wouldn't be? to get shocked in your mouth? ouch!

*sidenote: my cord was repairable with electric tape... phew. but most importantly Boston is okay.

Now he is sitting on the back of the couch looking at his reflection in the back door and barking at himself. watch out intruders- you will not prevail, he is vicious...

For some reason, Boston is very selective on the things he chews on. for example, he doesn't chew on MY stuff. but, he does chew on 'Person I Love's' stuff... all the time. shoes=now in the trash. pens=demolished, backpack=currently at the taylor's getting fixed (done on thursday), glasses=now using her spare pair, another pair of shoes=we used scissors to make the other one look the same as the one he chewed on. Text book= teeth marks.

Relationship?= Both Boston and I are in the dog house... and a few bucks short now, from replacing the items (like any good girlfriend would do.)

but my stuff? nope. all good here.

i guess besides my punctured computer cord that almost burned down my apartment building.

Besides when he is a little Diablo... we love him very much.

He licks my tears away when i cry. he snuggles with me at night and wakes up with me when i have nightmares. He gives me kisses when i tell him too. he keeps me company when no one is around. he goes on walks with me and he loves me unconditionally. even when i get mad at him, he never leaves my side. Love that little guy.

this is what i am eating for lunch today. thanks a lot Grandpa for the gift certificate...
and now i feel sick... and yet so happy at the same time. yum. my insides are probably mush. but at least i know they are smiling.

Sara Evans - A Little Bit Stronger

Sometimes, some days, this song is the only thing that can describes how i feel...
sometimes i feel too tired to stand up
sometimes i feel too sad to smile
sometimes i feel too discouraged to march on
sometimes i feel to weak to fight
sometimes i feel too heart broken to laugh

but even on my weakest days... i get a little bit stronger.

because on other days...

i feel too happy that words no longer express it
i feel so confident that no one can tear me down
i feel so secure and strong that i can face what ever this world throws at me
i feel so excited i jump and down like a child
i feel so warm and loved that my mouth gets stuck in its smile.
and sometimes i just cry... because life is so beautiful and wonderful and magical and deep and exciting and full of endless opportunities.

sometimes life is really hard.... but the good makes the bad oh so worth it.

Loves & Hates of the week!

Loves:

• being done with this semester! finished my last final on friday and glad to be done.
• Skyping my best friend and niece Kate and having her tell me the story of how she accidentally went to the bathroom on the floor and her mommy had to clean it up (she was cracking up while telling me the story)
• having a little girl at work ask me if this face (now shows me the face) is creepy. it was. and it made me laugh really hard. 
• day dreaming about going shopping and having unlimited funds in my bank account 
• getting schooled in a soccer game against elementary school kids. i am out of shape. (yes this is in my loves) and in an attempt to block a goal from a particularly skilled 5th grader, i slipped and fell flat on my face... hard. 
• Going to the tulip festival with 'Person i love'. 
• doing a therapeutic assignment given to me by my therapist to express my anger by shattering glass plates into a dumpster (bought the plates from DI). this was FUN!

Hates:

• deep cleaning my apartment trying to find the source of dog pee smell. yuck. 
• craving sushi so badly but not having money to buy it. ugh. one day when i take over for Ellen DeGeneres when she retires, i will be rich and famous and buy all the sushi i can eat every single day. 
• having 'person i love' chase me around my apartment trying to wipe their wet with urine sock on me. punk.
• craving Coke but not having any. i'm addicted. 

children don't like my hair

for some reason, little kids don't like my hair. i think it is the fact that it short "like a boy" but "you are a girl." i think it's hard for them to grasp that girls can have short hair, boys can have long, you can change colors, shapes, styles, whatever you want! it's YOUR hair!

Little girl at work yesterday, "you know... i like you. did you know that? i like you. guess if i like your hair? i don't."

another kid, "that's funny that you don't have long hair."

hahahaha I will keep a running commentary of the comments i get from children in reference to my AWESOME hair. haha

i'm supposed to be studying for a final i have in oh... 2 hours. and instead i am blogging. priorities people, priorities. blogging obviously trumps my ethics and values class (the class where my professor is out to get me.)

Life is a little rough right now. I am doing a type of therapy called "exposure therapy" and it is rough. I was diagnosed with PTSD a few years ago now and exposure therapy is a newer type of therapy that treats PTSD and can even cure it, getting rid of all symptoms. PTSD for those of you who don't know, stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I had something traumatic happen in my life and my brain didn't quite store it right. instead of storing the memory in the hypothalamus, where memories reside, it stored it for some reason in the frontal lobe, where personality, decision making and rational reside. Scientists don't know why this happens exactly- it's an unconscious action obviously and the result is PTSD with a memory. The difference is someone who had something traumatic happen and does not have PTSD will perhaps think of that memory, or something will trigger it, and they will have emotion. sadness, fear, regret, maybe they will cry. but it is a MEMORY. a bad one, but a memory. now someone with PTSD will get triggered or think on the memory or it will spontaneously come up and IT IS LIKE THE TRAUMATIC EVENT IS HAPPENING ALL OVER AGAIN. Your body responds from your head to your toes as if your trauma is happening all over again. Its not just a memory, it is a flashback and you are there all over again, and in the meanwhile, your brain is getting RE TRAUMATIZED all over again. and the vicious cycle continues.

the results of Exposure therapy are astounding. People who have successfully completed exposure are no longer qualifying for PTSD diagnosis or any other type of anxiety disorder! unbelievable.

So anyway, I am smack dab in the middle of exposure therapy right now and it is BRUTAL. Probably one of the hardest things i have had to do. But i believe in process, and i will hang in there and never give up, because i want a life worth living.

Last night, 'person i love' was looking into my eyes very thoughtfully. I asked "what do you see?" 'Person i love' says, "I see a lot of hurt... i see a fight going on, but you seem tired... tired of fighting so hard... tired of hurting. sometimes i see hopelessness and that scares me."

'Person i love' is a very special kind of person.

I am tired- i had secrets buried deep inside as long as i can remember, and i've only been alive 22 years. Sometimes I just cry because i am so exhausted. sometimes i am too tired to sleep, too tired to move... but i always pick myself up and keep marching on. i refuse to give up, i refuse to quit. Life has DRASTICALLY improved over the last few years and it is only getting better and better. That doesn't mean that i feel no pain inside anymore, it doesn't mean there aren't really hard days when i feel like throwing in the towel, but as a very wise woman told me, therapist, you can have both. you can hold both emotions... sadness AND happiness. fear AND safety. confusion AND understanding. life is a balance.

I have my moments where i feel i surrender and i feel hopeless and too exhausted to pick myself back up and keep marching on... but the difference is i don't allow myself to stay there. i ALWAYS CHOOSE to pick myself up. I let myself stay in those lows for a moment, and then i take a deep breath, put my shoulders back and chin up and i MARCH ON.

"When you get into a tight place, and everything goes against you till it seems as if you couldn't hold on a minute longer,never give up then, for that 's just the place and time that the tide will turn." -Harriet Beecher

It Gets Better with Mormon Family and Friends

Love this. These are some great people.

Time for my LOVES and HATES of this week!

What i LOVED this week:

• after graduating from DBT i returned home to my apartment to find my one of my favorite people holding balloons and flowers and my favorite dessert (Tres Leche from Cafe Rio), congratulating me on my accomplishment. Soooo sweet. 
• Picnic in the park, pictures in the tulips. 
• seeing my amazing therapist
• getting a tough answer right in class and having my teacher point at me and say "YES LAUREN YES!"

What i HATED this week:

• writing 8 papers for 5 classes! uggggghhh!!! carpel tunnel in my wrists!
• waking up in the night with terrible nightmares, panicking and quickly looking around to make sure i actually wasn't tied up and floating down a river while on fire. 
• my messy room- it is getting to the point where i can't even go in there without taking a paper bag to breath in and out of to stay calm. "why don't you just clean it" you ask me? I have no answer. perhaps today will be that day. 

Graduation

I have been in a therapy program called DBT or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, for the last 14 months every single Wednesday night for 2 hours. Well tonight is my last night- I graduate! I completed the program! and it was NOT easy. It was a lot of hard work and a lot of life changing decisions and alterations i had to make to my life that was not so put together before this program. I am excited to graduate! But i will definitely miss my comrades in the group... i love those people. I am excited to be able to watch Modern Family live on TV on Wednesday night again :) yes, i am excited for that.

I feel very ready and prepared and i have a whole new bag full of effective coping skills for whatever life decides to throw at me. My old ways of coping with life were not so effective, and now those are all out back with the garbage. I am so thankful that i was able to do this program and it truly has completely changed my life. I am so grateful to the therapists who ran the group- they are very special people you know? therapists. they are Saints to me, not just therapists. absolutely amazing people, a whole different breed of humans.

So world, HERE I COME! no more self hate, no more self destruction, no more not treating myself with kindness, no more turning pain into misery ("Pain is inevitable, misery is optional.") no more retreating when life gets hard, no more making things worse when things are already hard, no more kicking myself when i'm down, no more watching life be lived for me... i take control, it's my life- I CHOOSE... and i CHOOSE TO LIVE A FULL AND RICH LIFE NO MATTER WHAT IT THROWS AT ME. I CHOOSE ME, I CHOOSE MY OWN HEART, AND I CHOOSE HAPPINESS.

innocent Chapstick

today i was innocently putting on my Chapstick that i got for free in one of my classes- well not one of my classes, my Social Work class (this is relevant info)-- so i was putting on my Chapstick when i see the girl sitting next to me looking at me with eyes of compassion. i smiled at her, a little confused, and kept on applying my lip moisturizer. i set the Chapstick down in front of me when i was finished and noticed the label read "hiding my pregnancy? We're here to help." and then gave the website. i burst out laughing and turned to my neighbor and said, "oh! no no, i got this for free!"..... she just nodded and smiled kindly...

that didn't help my case at all.

Then the guy in front of me turns and says to me, "it's going to be okay."

I explained with a very red face that it was GIVEN to me for free in one of my classes! annnnd.... now my class thinks i am pregnant and trying to hide it. not so good for my image. flip.

mmmmmm.....

THIS VIDEO

makes me happy :)

such a good song!

Giving in

Alright cousins of mine who are hackling (is that even the right word?) to get my blog back up and running... i'm giving in to your peer pressure and i'm starting it back up. it has been a long time since i have posted, and a whole lot has changed. I feel overwhelmed if i have to play catch-up for the past however many months, so instead i will just start blogging the present moment that is in existence right now and on forward. deal?

Finals are started in a week and i am nervous. i hate tests. i am doing really well in all my classes but one... and i swear the teacher is out to get me in that class anyway. he has a permanent stamp that has a big fat D on it that he marks all my work with. curse that man and his D stamp that he loves so much. ruins my day every time dag-nab-it. He is out to get me.

I'm living in a new apt. now with my little dog Boston + 2 other girls + one more dog= 3 girls and 2 dogs in our tiny apt. annnnnd i'm LOVING it. Boston and the other dog, Jett, are besties and the girls i live with are awesome.

I decided i am going to post the thing i HATE of the week and the thing i LOVE of the week each week... (say week again... week)

This week i LOVED:

- watching one of my new fav shows GCB. so funny! probably leaning toward the sacrilegious side but it is way too funny.

- getting 100% on my Anthropology (not the store Megan) test.

- Boston licking my tears as they ran down my face one particularly rough night, and the person i love holding me in their arms. life is good people.

This week I HATED:

- being sick... ugh! plugged ears, runny nose, cough, tight chest, soar throat- yup! gangs all here!

- clipping Boston's toenails. i was so afraid i was going to kill him! who was the first person who dared cut their nails, shave their legs, and cut their hair- having no idea if it would hurt or not? what if our nails and hair actually had feeling? brave soul that first person... who ever you are.

over and out

keep calm and carry on.

Love,

La