A whole new world

do you ever just want to close your eyes and be instantly transported to a completely different world? one that only exists in your mind, that you painted from the ground up with your imagination and then further decorated it with your passions, hope and dreams. A world all to yourself and no one else can enter without your mind's permission. Everything around you is exactly as you want it, you are in control and there is no one around to tell you what to do, what to think, who to be, what not to do, how to dress, what not to say. No judgements, no problems, no stress, no guard up, no mortal body shielding your soul from complete exposure.

I am on a giant wooden swing, in the middle of the jungle on Avatar. I don't have to pump, and no one has to push me. it swings all on its own as it securely cradles me swinging back and forth, back and forth. Everything lights up every time I swish past it with the wind following at my back. and each time just as I reach the very top climax hight of the swing EVERYTHING is radiating blazing neon colored lights that fill the night sky with a tie-dye combination of colors that remind you that just because it's dark outside, does not mean there is no light. and then wooosh in an instant, i swing right back into reality and I keep calm and carry on with a smile on my face because of the secret magical place I have discovered that is mine all mine.

Job #2

I started training at Heritage School today. it was nuts! I want to be a therapist so it is so good for me to be able to start in my career field so early. but man oh man, it is some crazy stuff that psychiatric world. The brain is SO fascinating! HUMANS are so fascinating. the things we do to get by and cope with the hard things in life and to feel good about ourselves. That is exactly what these kids were trying to do in their life as well, and they probably went about trying to in the best way they knew how, but what was meant to help them feel better in anyway turned into addictions of all colors, shapes and sizes. I learned so much today in only my first training. One i thought very interesting was this: Mentally healthy, "normal", people do a behaviors to FEEL BETTER. Addicts do a behavior to feel DIFFERENT. when they hate feeling whatever it is inside they are feeling, when they don't want to feel that twisting pain buried so deep down, they do an ineffective or harmful behavior simply to feel something different than what they feel in the current moment.

Interesting eh?

I think i am going to love this job. Being a therapist is my dream job. i want to help people, especially the youth. everyone hurts inside, some more than others. and everyone just wants to be heard, to be listened to and have someone actually very much care what they have to say.

Have you ever...

Tried a thing called Progressive Muscle Relaxation?

It will change your life.

okay, maybe not. but it very well could.

If you have an iTunes account, search for Progressive Relaxation and there is a podcast channel with a guided session. I've been doing it every night before bed and sometimes in the morning and it really helps me stay relaxed all day and not so anxious.

Try it out.

Arson?

Okay so Lemmon gets this great idea today that i should do something "effectively rebellious." So i decide i should rip up a few books of mine that need to die and finish off the job by burning them. great idea no? i am full of brilliant ideas. So i rip them up, feel empowered and rebellious for tearing up nice books, and i take them out on my apartment porch to burn them. before i light them on fire though i thought to myself, "hmm, what would a non impulsive person do to prevent something bad from happening by lighting this fire on a tiny apartment porch? maybe it would not be wise to light a plastic grocery bag full of paper." I go in my apartment and get my roommates little metal garbage can and dump all the paper in there. I light ONE match people, and a little fire starts... then a bigger fire... and within SECONDS the entire basket was up in FLAMES!!! Smoke everywhere, flames 3 or 4 feet high, me freaking out. i run in to my place and yell to my roommates, "um... Katie? could you come here? i light a fire and its kind of getting big." Katie runs out with bowls of water without even pausing to ask me why the hell would a trash can on fire be on our porch. While she is throwing water on the fire the smoke increased naturally, and i instinctively dropped to the ground to avoid the toxic smoke that was making us both gag. she keeps running back and forth with water (obviously don't expect much out of me in emergency situations.) The fire finally gets put out after about 8 bowls of water, and now Katie has time to look down at me laying on the ground to ask me "what did you DO!?" oops... i told her Lemmon told me to do something therapeutically rebellious, and i thought burning the "past" would be a good idea, but i just got so excited to burn it that i didn't really think. She started laughing, then crying because she was laughing so hard. it probably wouldn't have been funny if the fire department had shown up furiously asking me how my "therapeutic emotional release" went...

My other roommate came home... (she already thinks i'm kind of an idiot because i tend to do really randomly dumb things around our apartment. it's never dull living with me.) and she says, "um, Lauren... i hate to have this talk with you but, do you think maybe you could start respecting my property a little more? you move my couch outside to watch a movie, you paint and get paint on the table, and now you set my trash can on fire..."

She has a point.. i take full responsibility for all of those things. I gave her my trash can from my room to make up for her melted one (seriously i didn't think it would melt). and called Lemmon to get an ear full of laughter. its all fun and games until you set your brand new apartment on fire and then get disciplined by your roommate who thinks you are psychotic. Just trying to cope people, just trying to cope. :)