a life worth living

Do you ever lay in bed at night, staring up at the ceiling because you can't sleep because your heart is keeping you awake? you just lay there as thoughts of happiness fill your mind and a warmth that lights your chest of fire follows. and as that fire ignites in your chest, water from where ever it comes from all begins to gather in the corners of your eyes, building up until boundaries can no longer contain it. as i lay there in bed, heart on fire, tears dripping down the sides of my face because i am in a horizontal position... It's because these 2 little have decided to drop in from heaven and right into my life.

I lay there and i can't understand why i'm crying. but then i can.

it's as if i will die if i can't hold them. it's if my heart will stop beating if i can't talk to them as soon as the sun comes back up. it's as if my legs feel useless if they cannot run with these kids. it's as if my smile has no interest in existing if it cannot smile along side of Kate and Cole's smile. it is literally as if i cannot breath because my chest is heavy with the power and strength that LOVE brings with it in full force.

Kate and Cole... i love them more than love. I love them more than my heart can hold. they are everything to me. everything. i've never felt love for another human being like the love i feel for these kids. it's real. it's powerful. it makes life SO worth living.

Kate and Cole... you have stolen my heart.

can't sleep

woke up from a nightmarish dream, and now i can't get back to sleep. i successfully ate a bowl of Honey Comb, drank OJ simpson... or excuse me, OJ the juice, checked facebook, and now... blogging. i should try to go back to sleep. it's 4:45am and there are cars outside driving. now, why would anyone ever want to purposely be up at this time in the morning? yuck. i promise you, i will never commit to anything in my life if it starts before 8:30am. lazy? no, it's for the benefit of all those around me. if i don't get my beauty sleep, i am not a happy camper. if i wake up before 8:30 (still early) I am a poop. i am grumpy and i don't want to see your face, so BACK OFF!

woah

sorry... as you can see, it is definitely before 8:30 right now. and if i'm being honest, it's actually like 10am. if i'm awake before THEN, I don't like you.

my teeth feel really gross right now. night breath and the creatures that suddenly live in your mouth when you sleep, mixed with honey comb. yummy. TMI? sorry.

I want to wake up Leslie so i can have someone to talk to, or at least so i'm not the only one suffering, awake before light has even woken up. "excuse me... pssst, Les, wake up. i'm bored out of my mind because i can't sleep and it's only fair that you suffer with me. a good friend would not sleep soundly while her bestie stares at the wall and blogs. les... wake up. woah grumpy... okay sorry i bothered you with my life!"

over reaction? look at the time... now back at me, now the clock one more time, and now look at the ceiling, down to the floor and open your oven and peer inside, and NOW back at me... i'm grumpy, therefore, get out of my way. or at least do what i say.

that's all.

(i decided to end all my blog posts with "that's all" like Miranda on The Devil Wears Prada. i just like the way she says it as she gracefully waves her hand and refuses eye contact. that's all.)

My Grandma Izzy

Isabell Jean Spongberg

October 19th, 1928

October 3rd, 2011

With humble hearts we pay tribute to our sweet wife, mother, grandmother and friend Isabell Jean Spongberg. Isabell's life revolved around the things that she loved most: her husband, children, grandchildren, extended family, friends and the Church.

Isabell is survived by her loving husband V. Jay Spongberg. Children: Mark, Roland (Sandee), Craig (Robyn), Connie (Stan) Ricks, and Karen (Dave) Schiess, 21 grandchildren, 13 great-grandchildren, brother Russell (Carol) Hewett and numerous nieces, nephews and others who considered her to be their second mother.

Isabell was born in Pocatello, Idaho. Shortly thereafter, her family moved to Long Beach, California where she lived until moving to Orem, Utah in 2004. At her home there was always room for anyone who needed love and care or a hot meal. She promised any of the youth in her ward who attended Seminary that they could come to breakfast any morning between Seminary and school, and there were many who took her up on her offer. All who passed through her door felt her love and appreciated her warmth. She always remembered names, birthdays, and phone numbers. She had a gift for making all those she knew feel loved, worthwhile and important.

She was married to the love of her life, Jay. They grew up in the same ward and attended the same schools. After they were married they were rarely apart, maintaining their relationship together in the family business (Spongberg Mortuary), church and free time together. They served together in the Melbourne Australia Mission from 1999 to 2000. They have always been true sweethearts-from their first date and forever.

Isabell loved Heavenly Father and served Him everyday. She preached the Gospel always in word and deed. She was a great example of Christ-like love. She was simply a loving, wonderful woman who touched countless lives.

She loved to travel and visited many countries around the world. She would make friends everywhere she went, from castles to campgrounds and to neighbors. She made it a point to introduce herself to new faces at Church and made them feel welcome, and often extended an invitation to Sunday dinner.

She loved to have fun and to have surprises for her grandkids. She always had a treat for them in "her secret stash!" She loved See's Candy, milkshakes and fresh pies. In her last days, when she barely ate, she could almost always make room for a Haagen- Daz bar.

Mom is as beautiful on the inside as on the outside. Truly an "Elect Lady".

Mom, you are loved by everyone who has ever known you. We will miss you and think of you often and look forward to seeing you again, as an Eternal Family. We love you.

I am blessed

I. Love. These. Boys.

i was in California, LA this past week staying with some of my buds down there. and seriously, i couldn't ask for better, kinder, more loving friends than these guys here.

I had a blast!!!! and I am so blessed to have become such good friends with these guys here.

saving up for my next trip down there again.

very very soon i hope.

whesla

In case you do not understand the title of this blog post, i will break it down for you. it is Whitney, Leslie, and Lauren combined into one dynamic trio!

My absolute besties right now are these freaking girls right hur...

We are pretty much inseparable, which is a good thing except when they drag me along to late night parties AFTER i have taken my sleep meds... so needless to say, the new people we have met this week think i am a total stoner. pros and cons to that ;)

Les and I are roommates, Whitney and my my dresser and night stand are floor mates. and together we are one awesome

Ménage à trois

wait, no that is NOT the right phrase to use. inappropriate. i mean it in the positive way, like they use it in that song.. never mind.

together we are three dancing, movie watching, nail painting, supportive, got each other backs 100%, most hilarious people, partying, Justin Beiber loving, Ellen watching, Facebook stalking, freestyle rapping into my new app. "I am Tpain", super late night walks to the gas station for Coke, animal loving (except Leslie. spider murderer), laughing together, crying together, and just doing nothing all day together on our days off, RADICAL peeps.

don't be jealous if you are not part of our trifecta, because you're in luck!!!

we are holding tryouts this month on the 17th! so come on out!

(bring current ID, favorite candy bar, and preferably a t-shirt so we can make sure we all three fit in it so we can continue our "open closet" policy.)

;)

love them.

update

Wow, i am getting worse and worse at updating my blog.

here is a little update of my life the past few months:

• signed up and ready to start school at UVU in September setting out to get my BSW.
• i love neon. what is more fun than neon? add in dancing in neon and you have got yourself the time of your life!
• working at Heritage is one of the best things that I have done. i LOVE it and i leave everyday feeling like a better person because i feel like i can really make a difference in these kids lives. they are loving me and i am loving them. doesn't mean i don't have my days when i come home pissed off and wanting to lock them all up in their rooms. but boy oh boy do i love it. i can't wait to be a therapist!
• i am LOVING my new friends that i made this summer. they are pretty much the coolest, best friends ever. We sho love going to Karaoke night at Applebee's. and doing pretty much anything and everything else.
• My days off of work, i have been hanging with my little niece Kate and my sister Ju. they have been in town for a few weeks and they make me so happy. Kate is learning the body roll, drop it like it's hot, pop it like it's hot, and the shuffle thanks to her freaking rad aunt ;)
• Lucy is still alive and swimming. love that little beta.
• my little bro Nate leaves on his mission in about 15 days! ugh... i'm happy for him, i'm happy for him, i'm happy for him.... psh ugh blah. Salta, Argentina won't know what hit em'.
• I have developed a slight fear of certain types of doctors. it's a problem.
• I sill want a dog SO bad!!!!! I go over to Tori's house to see her... and to snuggle with her little dog Nixon while my friends watch the Bachlorette. Nixon licks me to death and sticks his tongue in my nostrils and mouth at times... gross.
• I no longer work at Archivers. It was just way too much with both that AND Heritage. so i finished up there so i could have a little less on my plate.
• My girls at Heritage favorite thing that i do is sing to them while i am staffing the bathroom. they can't all be in there at the same time, so i have to sit on a chair and just chill in there while they doll themselves up. so now, i sing to entertain them and myself. and they love it :) (not really, but they tolerate it and it makes them laugh, so win-win situation.)
• LOVE my haircut.
• best movie i've seen this summer (besides Harry Potter obviously) is Crazy, Stupid, Love. it's adorable.
• I love my bed. i wasn't loving it until a few weeks ago i decided to put my head down where my feet are supposed to go. so i just flipped around and now i have been sleeping great! isn't that funny?
• My bro and his wife leave to Med School in Texas this week D: i am very sad about that. they are my besties.
• I got a few cavities filled the other day and i got totally and completely high on laughing gas. wowzah. no wonder peeps do drugs. you feel invincible and not a care in the world. also I opened my eyes and i had my hand on my dentist's face... while he was drilling in my mouth. he just slowly put my hand down and back in my lap. SO don't do drugs. it can get awkward. for everyone.
• welp, that's all i can think of for now. there is a brief 411 on my life! for those who are dying to know. which is everyone. off to go swimming. peace!

A whole new world

do you ever just want to close your eyes and be instantly transported to a completely different world? one that only exists in your mind, that you painted from the ground up with your imagination and then further decorated it with your passions, hope and dreams. A world all to yourself and no one else can enter without your mind's permission. Everything around you is exactly as you want it, you are in control and there is no one around to tell you what to do, what to think, who to be, what not to do, how to dress, what not to say. No judgements, no problems, no stress, no guard up, no mortal body shielding your soul from complete exposure.

I am on a giant wooden swing, in the middle of the jungle on Avatar. I don't have to pump, and no one has to push me. it swings all on its own as it securely cradles me swinging back and forth, back and forth. Everything lights up every time I swish past it with the wind following at my back. and each time just as I reach the very top climax hight of the swing EVERYTHING is radiating blazing neon colored lights that fill the night sky with a tie-dye combination of colors that remind you that just because it's dark outside, does not mean there is no light. and then wooosh in an instant, i swing right back into reality and I keep calm and carry on with a smile on my face because of the secret magical place I have discovered that is mine all mine.

Job #2

I started training at Heritage School today. it was nuts! I want to be a therapist so it is so good for me to be able to start in my career field so early. but man oh man, it is some crazy stuff that psychiatric world. The brain is SO fascinating! HUMANS are so fascinating. the things we do to get by and cope with the hard things in life and to feel good about ourselves. That is exactly what these kids were trying to do in their life as well, and they probably went about trying to in the best way they knew how, but what was meant to help them feel better in anyway turned into addictions of all colors, shapes and sizes. I learned so much today in only my first training. One i thought very interesting was this: Mentally healthy, "normal", people do a behaviors to FEEL BETTER. Addicts do a behavior to feel DIFFERENT. when they hate feeling whatever it is inside they are feeling, when they don't want to feel that twisting pain buried so deep down, they do an ineffective or harmful behavior simply to feel something different than what they feel in the current moment.

Interesting eh?

I think i am going to love this job. Being a therapist is my dream job. i want to help people, especially the youth. everyone hurts inside, some more than others. and everyone just wants to be heard, to be listened to and have someone actually very much care what they have to say.

Have you ever...

Tried a thing called Progressive Muscle Relaxation?

It will change your life.

okay, maybe not. but it very well could.

If you have an iTunes account, search for Progressive Relaxation and there is a podcast channel with a guided session. I've been doing it every night before bed and sometimes in the morning and it really helps me stay relaxed all day and not so anxious.

Try it out.

Arson?

Okay so Lemmon gets this great idea today that i should do something "effectively rebellious." So i decide i should rip up a few books of mine that need to die and finish off the job by burning them. great idea no? i am full of brilliant ideas. So i rip them up, feel empowered and rebellious for tearing up nice books, and i take them out on my apartment porch to burn them. before i light them on fire though i thought to myself, "hmm, what would a non impulsive person do to prevent something bad from happening by lighting this fire on a tiny apartment porch? maybe it would not be wise to light a plastic grocery bag full of paper." I go in my apartment and get my roommates little metal garbage can and dump all the paper in there. I light ONE match people, and a little fire starts... then a bigger fire... and within SECONDS the entire basket was up in FLAMES!!! Smoke everywhere, flames 3 or 4 feet high, me freaking out. i run in to my place and yell to my roommates, "um... Katie? could you come here? i light a fire and its kind of getting big." Katie runs out with bowls of water without even pausing to ask me why the hell would a trash can on fire be on our porch. While she is throwing water on the fire the smoke increased naturally, and i instinctively dropped to the ground to avoid the toxic smoke that was making us both gag. she keeps running back and forth with water (obviously don't expect much out of me in emergency situations.) The fire finally gets put out after about 8 bowls of water, and now Katie has time to look down at me laying on the ground to ask me "what did you DO!?" oops... i told her Lemmon told me to do something therapeutically rebellious, and i thought burning the "past" would be a good idea, but i just got so excited to burn it that i didn't really think. She started laughing, then crying because she was laughing so hard. it probably wouldn't have been funny if the fire department had shown up furiously asking me how my "therapeutic emotional release" went...

My other roommate came home... (she already thinks i'm kind of an idiot because i tend to do really randomly dumb things around our apartment. it's never dull living with me.) and she says, "um, Lauren... i hate to have this talk with you but, do you think maybe you could start respecting my property a little more? you move my couch outside to watch a movie, you paint and get paint on the table, and now you set my trash can on fire..."

She has a point.. i take full responsibility for all of those things. I gave her my trash can from my room to make up for her melted one (seriously i didn't think it would melt). and called Lemmon to get an ear full of laughter. its all fun and games until you set your brand new apartment on fire and then get disciplined by your roommate who thinks you are psychotic. Just trying to cope people, just trying to cope. :)

completely twisted

Are you FLIPPING kidding me!!!??? this is a legit website that i went to today to find a hoodie vest and THIS young lady is the model! she looks absolutely on her death bed and they are having her model an everyday cloth item. they are saying to look like this is NORMAL. it's NOT normal and it is outrageous to me that our world is this sick and twisted. they should be sending this girl to get immediate help, not giving her a flipping pay check! I am passionate about women and their bodies and how the world has destroyed what is realistic and what the definition of HAPPY is. it is NOT this! it is not. I have friends fighting for their lives with deadly eating disorders, and while they are in treatment holding on everyday with what strength they have left, what functioning body parts and brain they have left that has been starved and tortured. People actually have the audacity to display these women as models, who are dying with every picture taken. they are not selling clothes, they are selling death robes. it makes me absolutely FURIOUS! it is so incredibly terrible, and i pray for this woman, that someone in the pathetic, disgusting world of modeling will open their eyes and step in and actually help her before it's too late. the people who use her as a model to sell their clothes are complete scum bag monsters and women every where are killing themselves because of people like them. It is NOT a game, or a woman to look at who wears designers clothes, it is not just a picture or an advertisement.. it is a LIFE, it is a SOUL, a Human Being! And America's fashion industry and pop culture are murderers.

Facebook ruined my blog

Lets be honest, i used to be an avid, up to date blogger... but i didn't have a facebook during all that time. i caved and i decided to get one about a month ago and.... now as you can see, my blog is failing miserably. so let me give you a little update on my life this past month or so.

First off: my little brother Nate got his mission call! to Salta, Argentina!

I got a tattoo...

just kidding :) it's Henna.

I bought lavender seeds and am determined to grow them the traditional way. WJ says "plant, then puppy, then baby."

Got into a fight with my new friend Amanda... a flour fight that is. obviously I lost.

I have been working on this drawing, its got a ways to go, but after i am finished drawing it i am going to transfer it onto a large canvas and paint it. I LOVE art! it has become my guilty pleasure that i will hide away all day long in my apartment and just paint and draw and paint.

My sweet Grandma is preparing to go to heaven... then she will be able to be free from her tired, frail, bed ridden body, and she will be able to dance and talk and smile again. I love her so much.

I got a new pet. his name is Henry and he loves me.

Drank me some Pina Coladas in St. George with my girls

Had many many long conversations, laughs, cries, picture messages and text messages shared between my Bestie Kate and I. I don't know what i'd do without her. She is a one of a kind friend who reminds me of my potential and strength anytime i ever forget it.

I got stitches in my back! OUCH! the Dermatologist removed a cyst (he thinks, but now they want to know if i have been traveling anywhere foreign or slept outside recently. uh? what are they implying? i don't really want to know.. gross) good news is it's not cancer :) phew!!!!

Shout Out

And, if a certain person is reading this, as i know she does from time to time... a person with red hair who is one of the 3 people I love and look up to the most in this world. If the woman who taught me that i have infinite worth, courage, and potential is reading this. She who taught me to never ever quit or blame circumstances around me for my quality and happiness in life. Who loves me exactly as i am and helped me to finally start to believe that I am enough, and enough is everything. who let me cry to her and she would just listen with eyes so full of compassion, charity and sympathy. The woman who was one of my angels that allowed God to not have to worry about me, because He knew i would meet this SNOW one day and that I would be in good hands and that all would be alright because of her influence. If she is reading this, know that I love you. and I miss you every single day, sometimes so much that it is a physical pain in my chest. But that i always remember what you said to me, how you are with me always even if your physical body is not. You make me happy L.S. and you are a face I see standing over me with an outstretched hand to pick me back up whenever i get knocked to the ground. The spirit of the law L.S... you never leave my heart. I am greatness because you showed me how just by loving me. You know who you are you tall red headed soccer playing, sweet voice, loving, late night talks in your dwelling place in the basement, dog lover person. if you ever wonder if by doing what you do, you have ever made a difference in someone else's life, a very real difference, know that you have very much so in at least one life. You da bomb and I am grateful for you every single day.

not smart

Here is my beef with smart cars. first off, look at the size of them. enough said. second off, i am terribly nervous for the poor soul who gets rear ended in one... it will be like someone kicking you in the back of your movie theater chair with the force of a Viking. and third, and my least favorite characteristic of these children's toys is when you pull into a parking lot, and you spot the golden parking spot. you are almost giddy with excitement because every spot seems full, but no, not the beauty you have spotted near the entrance. You smile up at Zeus and thank him for your luck. You go to make the wide angled turn to pull in and.......psych! slam on your brakes pal because you aint getting this parking spot. you were deceived by the midget who clearly does not belong with the big boys. and now you have to reverse in frustration while the toy just puts it's rear end in your face with smug pride.

I obviously have had frequent bad experiences with this poor excuse for a car.

(nothing against the people who are inside, just the car itself- we don't quite see eye to eye. pun.)

My Besties

Can i just quickly give a shout out to some of my very best friends. it is much needed.

Seriously i have some of the most amazing friends in the world. Examples:

M dropped everything the other day, and hundreds of times before that, to come rushing to the rescue at 12:45am to my appt. nothing needs to ever be said between us because we already know everything just by being in the same room together. She just held me tight in her arms until i stopped crying. and then we sang disney songs at the top of our lungs until 3am. (i'm sure the roomies loved that) but we laughed our heads off. tears of sadness turned to tears of laughter. M and I can laugh together for hours and hours. It scares us sometimes because we are so alike. We have the same brain. M cries whenever i cry, long before she even has a clue as to why i am crying. being with M reminds me of the goodness and joy of life. M is my sister.

Other bestie E, My person, goes above and beyond the call of a best friend's duty, every day. With only hearing a sentence come out of my mouth, she knows exactly how i am feeling. it is not possible to lie to her, and also there is no point, because she loves me exactly the way i am... flaws and mistakes and all. I have called her several times when i need a friend and by me saying ,"Hey E..." when she answers her reply is, "i will be right there." E would literally do anything in the world for me, and I for her. she and I have no secrets, no walls, and no filters. Our relationship is raw and vulnerable, and that is what makes us sisters. E reminds me what the most important things in this life really are, and how powerful love truly is.

Palm, she is my adventurous buddy. Anything extreme or ridiculous that i come up with, she is there by my side in a heart beat. this gets us into trouble sometimes, because we both just do things often without thinking. Impulsivity + Guts = Palm and I. Over the past summer, she let ME hold her in my arms until she stopped crying. and i only loved her more and more with every tear drop or snot stain that was left on my shoulder. She and I have been through hard things together, but never once did we give up on each other. She is always on time to my place whenever there is a new episode of Grey's. she is also my only friend that love sushi as much as I, so we often take each other on dates. Palm reminds me that I am stronger than i think i am, and to push past my limits and out of my comfort zone always.

These 3 girls are my sisters. the title "friend" no longer applies when you have charity for a person. I just had to write about these girls because they are the reason why i know everything will be okay, no matter how hard things ever get or how hopeless it seems. the kind of relationship that we have is rare and precious. And i love them more than the word love could ever explain.

Sisters for life.

How's the weather in Utah?

Don't be jealous,

But I am here right now.

And I am with Katie Lynn Nixon,

and I have never been happier. :)

p.s. I taught her how to drop it, pop it, and park it like it's hot.. and also how to body roll.

we are best buddies, inseparable.

I am a psychic

My sister Julia is prego with her 2nd baby! and guess who has known it was a boy from the moment i heard she was pregnant?

yours truly.

people doubted me... i had opposition and skepticism headed my way. but i was unwavering in my prediction. Also, i picked out a name for him as well.

wait is this my baby or hers?

;) I AM SO EXCITED FOR YOU JU!

and for myself... worlds coolest aunt without a doubt.

I love Lucy

Last night, Rachel and I were just a tiny bit bored. After an exhausting yet fulfilling round of interpretive dance to Rachel's various piano songs, we got this great idea to teach my fish Lucy to swim through a hoop! :) We built the hoop out of straws and basically we should work for the circus now because we totally did it! tap three times, click of the tongue, and a some loving and encouraging words to my little lady and...

VUALLA!

Perfect

You know you are getting old when...

you get motion sick from swinging on a swing.

I could have died

So I was driving today, DRIVING, and I was paying attention to the road... and fixing my hanging air freshener. as soon as i adjust it, a flipping SPIDER decides to use my rear view mirror as an anchor for his repelling entertainment! I started screaming my head off! I swerved into the other lane! and i came to a screeching halt on the side of the road and jumped out of my car like it was on fire! people actually probably thought it WAS on fire haha. (mind you: this is the SECOND time a spider has came to say hello to me in my car. the first time i was not driving yet.) but literally I, like many, have a massive fear of spiders. I have never even killed one on my own (thanks dad). I have this fear that as soon as my hand gets close to kill it, it is going to dodge it and jump onto my hand and bite me and then i will die because i had an unknown allergy to its venom... that or i will turn into a super hero, and i am just not prepared for that milestone in my life.

I looked all around for some man to come kill it for me, but for some reason there are only mom's out during sunlight hours. I didn't want to ask a mom. So i just sucked it up (not the spider) and looked in my car to find something to kill it with. object found: snow scraper. I was freaking out, saying only up lifting words, and I quickly just smashed him. actually i cut him in half... gross. I hope he forgives me by the time i get to heaven and i have to meet him and apologize for murdering him...

but i could have died!

p.s. I get told by various different people at least every other week that i am a tiny bit dramatic... i tell them i am not dramatic, i am animated and passionate!
animated + passionate + a lot of energy = dramatic.
darn.

best day ever

let me tell you about my best day ever...

today I:

called into work, and other various responsibilities and told them i was sick

(don't judge me, you know you have done it)

Then i ate breakfast, went back to bed until 12:00

then I walked out to the couch and... took another 2 hour nap. then I woke up and got out my paints and canvas and engaged in my new favorite hobby, oil painting.

I painted for hours, listening to Ingrid Michaelson Pandora radio.

Then I watched the Modern Family episode from last night.

Went and watched the BYU game :(

got my heart broken and went through 1/2 a box of tissues,

watched Grey's Anatomy with my bestie: made up for the cougars loss. epic episode!

came home, ate cottage cheese with peaches, got in sweats, and watched The Office.

(and held my roommate in my arms as she cried over the breakup with her boyfriend...

Jimmer. poor thing. she is devastated)

Can't deny it- best day ever.

Not at my house

I was looking for the remote control to the TV in our couch today, because for some reason couches favorite food is remotes.

but apparently at my house, their other favorite delicacy is PULLEYS!

what!? this is what i found deep down in the couch.

seriously?

I might as well have found a sharks tooth.