through music

sometimes, I don't really know what to say. Sometimes, music says it better.

This week has been really rough, and i didn't know what to blog about. But all throughout the week i have been turning to my outlet in life, music, and certain lines would stick out to me and would put words on the feeling in my chest that I couldn't find the words myself to label. So this post is about.. well you'll figure it out soon enough by reading the one-liners from a collection of different songs that come together to tell my story of love that turned to heartbreak.

Step one you say we need to talk

you say sit down, it's just a talk...

we'll do it all 

everything

on our own.

if i lay here, would you lie with me

and just forget the world?

you have suffered enough at war with yourself

it's time that you won.

oh but look at you, i'd be crazy not too...

and are we there yet? 

home?

never mind i'll find someone like you

but for me, it wasn't over.

love is not a victory march,

it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.

The broken clock is a comfort,

it helps me sleep at night. 

sometimes it lasts in love

but sometimes it hurts instead.

first taste of love, 

oh bittersweet.

i wish nothing but the best for you too.

i think i'll go to Boston

I think i'll start over. 

where did i go wrong? 

I lost a friend.

you don't wear my chains

regrets collect like old friends,

and all of the ghouls come out to play.

Shake it out,

it's hard to dance with the devil on your back

so shake him off. 

and i'm done with my graceless heart

so tonight i am going to cut it out and then restart.

it's always darkest before the dawn

and although it's hard,

i'll keep my head up

and let my hair down.

i'll turn out fine. 

got a good old friend here with me tonight 

and i guess i'm doing alright. 

the sun will always come again. 

and if you ask me how i'm doing,

i would say i'm doing just fine

i would lie and say that you're not on my mind.

i miss you...

and what doesn't kill me makes me stronger

stand a little taller.

what doesn't kill me makes a fighter

footsteps even lighter.

all i can do is keep breathing

all we can do is keep breathing. 

you have changed me for the better

and now you're just somebody that i used to know...

and that feels so rough. 

I just haven't met you yet.

thrift store thief

i would like to tag @Christopher Ricks and @Rachel Ricks in this post because I was not alone on this adventure crime.

Once upon a time, Rach, Chris and I went to Saver's to go get something. I can't remember what now, but it was obviously an important article of clothing we needed. well when we were leaving, i look up in the sky to see one of these giant balloons floating in the sky (like the picture above). it was attached Saver's to attract people's attention. Now it is not my fault that the balloon was looking a little less than in it's best shape and was not flying as high in the sky as it was in its younger years. the rope attached to the balloon that was covered in flags was drooping and if i jumped i could just about grab it... or completely grab it... and that is what I did.

While no one was looking i pulled the massive balloon down from the sky by its flagged rope and squealed like a child with delight as i saw that it was about 5x as big as me. Who wouldn't love that? it was a dream come true! (besides for one of my bestie's who is actually terrified of balloons. She would have hated it.)

The balloon brought me so much joy that i looked over at Rach and Chris who are just staring at me and i say, "I want to keep it."

I am ashamed to say now that i am a criminal.

I stole the balloon from Saver's. who does that?

I had them help me stuff it into the back of our SUV (it took up the whole volume of the trunk and most of the back seat) and we totally stole the advertising massive balloon... from a thrift store. Chris and Rach, if you are sitting in the car while your friend robs the bank, you go to jail as well. just saying.

We never got caught, but it wasn't as fun to play with once i got home because it was splattered with guilt and dishonesty. I actually had every intention of taking it back after only a few hours with it at home... but then somehow it popped. of course.

don't judge me. okay you can judge me. and to be fair it was a long time ago... 2 years.

I take my dog on runs

My puppy needs his exercise and so do I...
not. i haven't been to the gym now in oh... 3 years :)
I don't run, but HE runs. I get on my scooter and he runs behind me at a steady 15mph. I sit perfectly content as he chases me as the wind blows through my hair and i get my small adventure for the day. He LOVES it and so do I. win-win situation. he gets lots of running in and i get to do nothing but enjoy the warm air and hot sun. mmmm.... I love being lazy.

speaking of running, i feel like there are different types of runners as you drive down the road. you see them there, jogging on the side walk and they are all different breeds.

there is the runner who looks like they walked out of a magazine, Men's Journal. They've got rhythm, a steady pace, the bod, and of course a great outfit.

then there is the runner who all you can do is look at them and say, "good for you for getting out and going running. good for you."

there is the runner who is just awkward. you have to kind of watch them as you sit at the red light and try and guess what song in heaven they are listening to because that is no beat or rhythm of any kind.

then there is the runner who never stops. they are at the cross walk and still bouncing up and down in place... gotta keep that heart rate up.

last there is the runner who just looks like they are in excruciating pain. their eyebrows are furrowed together and their mouth is in an open frown and those beads of water running down their cheeks are not sweat, they are tears. just stop running my dear and do something that doesn't look like you are being forced by a slave driver.

Love those runners. Good for you all those we run! i applaud you from the sidelines. or i'll follow behind you on my scooter. win-win.

UPdate

School has officially begun and I, my friends, am taking a math class for the first time since i was 15 years old... that's like 25 years people. okay, it is 7 years but still, it feels like a very long time. I really like my teacher is the good news. she is very funny and makes math a lot of fun. i decided to go into the class thinking to myself, "oh man this is going to be a great class! i'm awesome at math!" instead of what my brain wanted to tell me: "i suck at math this is going to be hard."
all about attitude. so i am doing well so far.

ugh, i can't believe i just pulled the "it's all about attitude" card... i hate when people do that. i just want to be like, "no! okay sometimes it is just fine to have a crappy attitude for a little bit. or a lot a bit. what ever you want. it's your life. and you get to feel however you are feeling. And if you are hating how you are feeling, than make a change to alter it. whatever you feel is valid."

I am already such a therapist. I'm going to drive my kids nuts one day... "and how do you feel about that?"

I'm still working at the Elementary school but i got moved to work with the Kindergardeners. it is a BLAST. (i'm laughing out loud right now) because they say the funniest things! THEY actually DO like my hair which is funny, because the 1st graders sure didn't. Just a warning to all you parents out there... be careful what you do and say in the safety of your own home because your kindergardener WILL tell their tutor about it. ;)

I babysit quite often for a family and i love it as well. i have gotten to the point where changing a poopy diaper doesn't make me gag! which for those of you who know me, know that that is a HUGE accomplishment.

Today i taught the kids the beginning stages of loving-kindness meditation. It's the best meditation I have ever learned. It is scientifically proven to change the chemistry in your brain towards self-love when practiced frequently. these are the phrases you repeat while in a calm, relaxed, meditative state:

May I be safe
May I be healthy
May I be happy
May i be at ease

try saying those to yourself very gently and kindly and see what you feel inside. it's pretty awesome. so now my little kids i babysit are learning how to love themselves too! :)

I am available for hire people, i am available for hire.

A little more about Loving-Kindness Meditation:

"it is a fact of life that many people are troubled by difficult emotional states in the pressured societies we live in, but do little in terms of developing skills to deal with them. Yet even when the mind goes sour it is within most people's capacity to arouse positive feelings to sweeten it. Loving-kindness is a meditation practice taught by the Buddha to develop the mental habit of selfless or altruistic love. In the Dhammapada can be found the saying: "Hatred cannot coexist with loving-kindness, and dissipates if supplanted with thoughts based on loving-kindness."

Loving-kindness is a meditation practice, which brings about positive attitudinal changes as it systematically develops the quality of 'loving-acceptance'. It acts, as it were, as a form of self-psychotherapy, a way of healing the troubled mind to free it from its pain and confusion. Of all Buddhist meditations, loving-kindness has the immediate benefit of sweetening and changing old habituated negative patterns of mind."

http://www.buddhanet.net/metta_in.htm

Who wouldn't want to feel this kind of altruistic love toward themselves? I think we have enough self-hatred, self-critical, not feeling good enough, down on themselves people in the world. why not try something new?

Boston Massachusetts Ricks

Meet Boston.
He is my little 5 month old puppy- a yorkie-poo.
sometimes he thinks he is a cat and walks along the back of the couch and sleeps like this.
Boston Massachusetts Ricks is his full name- we only use it when he is in trouble.
which is quite frequently.
He is teething so he chews on pretttttyyy much everything! our apartment has to stay super clean or else he will chew on whatever he can find on the ground. and by clean i mean the FLOOR is clean and everything that would be on the floor is on the kitchen table.

Last night Boston was chewing on an empty water bottle we gave him and loving life until...
ZZZZZZAP!!!
some how my computer charger cord got tangled up with the bottle and Boston punctured the cord with his teeth. the cord was plugged in and needless to say, he got shocked. I heard the ZAP and the YELP and hurry and looked down and saw that there was blue sparks flying from my cord continuously and 'Person I love' yelling, "Oh my gosh!!! ahhhh!!! unplug it unplug it!"

Boston didn't obey commands at all for about the next 3 hours. i think it fried his brain. that or he was really scared. who wouldn't be? to get shocked in your mouth? ouch!

*sidenote: my cord was repairable with electric tape... phew. but most importantly Boston is okay.

Now he is sitting on the back of the couch looking at his reflection in the back door and barking at himself. watch out intruders- you will not prevail, he is vicious...

For some reason, Boston is very selective on the things he chews on. for example, he doesn't chew on MY stuff. but, he does chew on 'Person I Love's' stuff... all the time. shoes=now in the trash. pens=demolished, backpack=currently at the taylor's getting fixed (done on thursday), glasses=now using her spare pair, another pair of shoes=we used scissors to make the other one look the same as the one he chewed on. Text book= teeth marks.

Relationship?= Both Boston and I are in the dog house... and a few bucks short now, from replacing the items (like any good girlfriend would do.)

but my stuff? nope. all good here.

i guess besides my punctured computer cord that almost burned down my apartment building.

Besides when he is a little Diablo... we love him very much.

He licks my tears away when i cry. he snuggles with me at night and wakes up with me when i have nightmares. He gives me kisses when i tell him too. he keeps me company when no one is around. he goes on walks with me and he loves me unconditionally. even when i get mad at him, he never leaves my side. Love that little guy.

this is what i am eating for lunch today. thanks a lot Grandpa for the gift certificate...
and now i feel sick... and yet so happy at the same time. yum. my insides are probably mush. but at least i know they are smiling.